Turd: Ooh, I'm nervous now! I don't wanna do it anymore, I feel like I'm being violated!

Lazzy: So anything you do say, will be recorded and used against you in a court of law!

Turd: I just have to say, I've got the right to edit at any time..

Lazzy: lol So, we go back quite a long way....

Turd: Oh! By the way Lazz, I want to do yours but in a different format so I'm going to take my time to come up with the questions - OK?

Lazzy: Yeah, that's cool mate - I wanted someone else to do it..

Turd: ... and I'm volunteering!

Lazzy: That'll be going down on this, so it'll be down in writing! Right - I don't really know this mate, but how did you get into gaming. I expect it goes back quite a long way.

Turd: It does, it goes back to 1998 and it all started off with Ctrl, Alt, Del and also porn at 56k. Now let me explain this to you. Win98 - blue screen of death and I remember my first blue screen of death and I didn't know how to get out of it, and I had to call my brother. He said to press Ctrl, Alt, Del and he had to explain it so I managed to figure that one out, and then I figured out porn at 56k. It weren't videos - one line at a time, you see the face first - nice, bit of tit - great, then a little nipple, and it's filling and filling, nice belly button - ooh, she's got one of those piercings! And it's coming down and you go "ooooh, noooo - a pair of bollocks"! And I thought, there's got to be more to the internet than Ctrl, Alt, Del and dodgy porn, so I got into gaming, and my first game was Doom, or was it Quake? It was one of the first online games and I spent ages going round getting hammered, and I used to play on my own and that was how i first got into gaming.

Lazzy: So what happened after that, whats the progression to where we are now?

Turd: After that, Quake was crap and I was rubbish too..

Lazzy: It must have been OK - they made quite a lot of sequels!

Turd: Actually, it was very good - I spent a lot of time on that to be honest with you. The natural progression was, and you know it yourself, was a particular game that was called FarCry. And to be honest, like everyone else, I went into Game and there it was with 98% on the case and I thought whoaarrr!! It was the highest ranking game ever and I thought I'd give that a bash, and you know what happened after that.

Lazzy: Yeah, it turned out to be quite good! So obviously we played FarCry for I dunno, somewhere in the region of four years and then came across COD4, which you hated for about six months, and now out the other side, looking at Battlefield and thinking it's good but maybe not quite what everyone else in the clan is looking for!

Turd: We love it!

Lazzy: But yeah, maybe what's next - FarCry 3 is out next year?

Turd: Well, you know me - I'm not the first person to ask for jumping onto the bandwagon of a new game, I'd rather play a game to death. I think that Battlefield has got plenty of legs in it yet and many of the other guys haven't quite picked it up yet! So I'm not jumping no ship until Battlefield is well and truly dead.

Lazzy: Yeah, I remember when we moved onto COD.....

Turd: Exactly, I don't want to be jumping games until we know that most people have tried Battlefield.

Lazzy: So, as you are now, how often are you playing?

Turd: Not as much as I used to, I used to be very dedicated..

Lazzy: Dedicated is not the right word..

Turd: No... my lifestyle has changed so my gaming frequency has dropped off quite significantly, although I still enjoy the company and the games. Once you get onto it, you're in gaming for life. You can take a break but you'll be back - one you've got the bug, you've got the bug.

Lazzy: So, here's an odd one - how did you find G4F and how long have you been a member?

Turd: Ah - no idea how long I've been a member for - but G4F, I didn't find G4F. I was one of those lucky people who was there at the conception. I would like to say, I was one of those people who was there at the "big bang"!

Lazzy: lol .... at the conception? When the hackers "f##ked" GC!

Turd: I didn't want to say conception because that gets me into trouble!

Lazzy: You've just got to pull out mate!

Turd: Erm, yeah - now I've got two kids! That was my plan - pull out! Wrong tactic!

Lazzy: You've been here for 5 years and 5 months, and we probably knew each other for 18 months before that.

Turd: Yeah, well actually I'd like to mention something you'd not like to talk about... erm, first gaming clan - Twats at War. To me, that has got very very fond memories, and it was everything that we carry forward today - the attitude of not taking yourself too seriously, don't take the game too seriously - have fun and within Twats at War, and to this day, I have never seen a funnier forum. That forum was the funniest thing I've seen in my life. I contributed to it, you contributed to it and a lot of people we know contributed to it. There were four particular people - me, you, Mork and Redant - that's where we first met and in a sense, was where G4F was conceived.

Lazzy: Yeah - I look at it now and think, look at all the people who were in that, not just us. look at people like Ancient, he went away and setup Heroez - you know, that's another clan setup. Also people like Bulldog and Lipps - people who...

Turd: Exactly, people who were very communal players - very friendly, very out there, doing everything which is right - those sort of people and we still talk to them today. If they come into TS, they open their mouths and you know exactly who they are right off the bat, and that's going back 6/7 years.

Lazzy: I think that's the problem nowadays - we were quite lucky as, although the community was quite big for the time, it was so small compared to what we have now, and so we were lucky in that we knew everyone because we played with them and had good fun. It was all about the fun and the kids who come on now just want to win - that's all they're interested in!

Turd: They don't even want to win - that's the problem I have and where I get the most frustration, people just want to kill - and they don't play the game the way the game is meant to be played. That's my biggest bugbear!

Lazzy: So that's kinda where G4F came from! How would you describe your role in G4F?

Turd: i think my role has changed - erm, back from an early day, I was just the f##king drunk...

Lazzy: Still are...

Turd: Yeah, but I'm actually doing quite well - I'm off it and I go to AA's...... no I don't actually

Lazzy: I was like - f##k me!

Turd: Nothing wrong with my drinking -it goes straight down my throat every time! erm.... what was the question??!

Lazzy: What's your role?

Turd: I don't have a role! I actually thought back in the day, when everyone had to pull together - I put myself out there, out the front, to organise and throw out ideas. But over the years, my family commitments have had to take priority and I've taken a step back. There was a stage when we used to do a lot of planning - but technically I'm crap! As an ideas man or motivation I'm very good, but when it comes to doing something I'm rubbish! There have been times when you've needed someone to come to the front and I've always been willing to do that, but now, at this moment in time, I've needed to take a step back and I'm happy to be a happy member - a gamer for fun! If the shit hits the fan, I would step up again with my limited skills but I'm happy to be in the background and enjoy myself. Let the people who can do, do. Those who can make a webpage materialise, let them do it.

Lazzy: So, we kinda spoke about this earlier, in terms of the fact that we don't take ourselves too seriously, we get together and have a laugh and fun, but what are the clan strengths? What has got us this far because we're just over five years in here..

Turd: I have my own opinion, and its going back to the FarCry days. And I remember - i remember very clearly, that we've never been the best gamers, and we will admit that to anyone. We are competent, not mugs and not noobs - not the best gamers in the world. We don't have the best reflexes like some of the f##king kids have - it annoys me, but we have to live with it. You adapt and overcome, and all that sort of shit. And I remember, back in FarCry days we were getting hammered game after game after game, and we all looked at each other, and we were getting to know each other, and we said - we're getting beat by stupid things, and we trained and we trained and we trained, on tactics, positions, timing, the comms - the comms was probably the most important thing and we had it down to a tee. People couldn't believe how good it was when they came into TS - they couldn't f##cking understand it, but we worked at it and, what happened was, over time, and it actually happened quite quickly, all of those teams which used to beat us embarrassingly, we beat them, and the next team and the next team. We used to have matches, and I remember going into the matches with my palms sweaty, I had butterflies, the adrenaline was flowing and we were like "c'mon lads, we're going to do this", "lets keep it tight, you know the drill", "we know how the comms will be", "we know the positions", and then the game starts and we would beat a team that used to beat us something rotten. It wasn't because we were better players, we were the better team, and that's what we have now - G4F are a team and you see it whenever we go on anyone's server, even on a Friday or Saturday night, with a few beers, we will always be on the same team - generally OpFor if we're on COD4, and straight away, even if there's just two of us, we will work as a team. It's not written down on our website but it's set on stone within our psyche.

Lazzy: It is funny that because even when we're mucking around in public, we're still working with tight comms aren't we?

Turd: Absolutely! I tell you - if you turned around and said, I'm getting no cover over here, before you know it your teammate is there asking "Where do you want me"

Lazzy: Yeah, the amount of times I've been in trouble and called it - someone else says, "put your head down and I'll deal with it"

Turd: Exactly, and that's what we're about - the teamwork, it's that close-knit.... If this was real life military, and I know it's not - it's a million miles from it, but if it was I'd sooner have a G4F member on your back than some random player from any server - lets put it that way.

Lazzy: Bring on WWIII!

Turd: Yes, but only if you have a G4F member by you, because you know they'll stick with you and not go running off with a P90 into the distance! You'd get killed and, when watching the kill cam, think "here the hell did he go".

Lazzy: Well, you wouldn't get a kill cam in WWIII...

Turd: You know what I mean!

Lazzy: So who are/is your favourite G4F members past or present?

Turd: Well, actually..... you know my saying, right Lazzy - you were and probably are at the moment, my favourite online gaming friend in the whole wide world! But I can be bought!! You have lost out to Greenie, you lost out to someone who used to be in this clan who sent me some pictures of his sister - so he was by bestest friend in the whole wide world for a day!

Lazzy: I know exactly who you mean!

Turd: You pissed me off a couple of times and, when you weren't there for me, Jase (Hamman) was he's been my bestest mate in the whole wide world , but my bestest mate in the whole wide world in the online gaming world tends to be you.

Lazzy: But like you were saying, obviously, you are Greenie get on fabulously well...

Turd: Absolutely! I don't wanna take anything away from anyone else in the clan because there's absolutely no-one I don't like. If anyone in our clan comes into TS, i can turn off gaming, I can sit there in TS and we can chat for hours - literally! You know, it's that sort of comfort zone you can be in in a clan - you can just, sort of like, just chat for hours on end and I've got that with everyone in this clan. But, on the joking side, the bestest mate in the whole wide world is you ! You, Greenie, Jase - you know what I mean, you know I take the piss on that one - I use it to my benefit!


Lazzy: Yeah, i think we get the idea! Next up - best gaming memory? Doesn't have to be one big thing, could be lots of smaller things - what springs to mind?

Turd: This is me this one, i actually read Odie's interview and thought "What, how can you have a best gaming memory?". I've played thousands and thousands of hours of game time, but I got up, because my glass was empty, and I thought I'll get a glass of wine, and half way down the stairs i chuckled - I remembered. All I'm saying is High Wycombe and we weren't gaming...

Lazzy: Ah yeah - but that's not a gaming memory!

Turd: That was at a LAN party and it's my best memory from gaming ever! I'm having it - no more said!

Lazzy: Anything more that people might enjoy reading about, that you might not want to remove at a later date?

Turd: Nope! I'm just saying High Wycombe!

Lazzy: Alright - when i think about you, I think about many, many things - good times you know? Times when I've been literally crying - two that really come to mind are the recording of you saying that you would definitely turn to men if there were no women in the world, which I'm hoping I can get onto your page!

Turd: That should be my question to you! Turd turning out to be batty boy! Just for the record - I am NOT a batty boy! I was just saying you've gotta read it all in context! It was a what if, what if - OK??

Lazzy: The other memory, I'll keep for my interview. Lots of good times mate.

Turd: .... many, many.... lots of good times. So many times that we've been in actual tears, for ages, you stop crying and you stop and think "why was we laughing so much"?!

Lazzy: Yup - just knackered and playing like sh#t but who cares?

Lazzy: if we could recruit anyone, who would it be and why?

Turd: There's actually a lot of people I would like to recruit. Erm, and what it is, unfortunately, we're not on our server enough and we're using other peoples servers - mentioning no names. And there's people on there what I see what play with game the ways its meant to be played, and they're not the best players in the world, but you can see that they're doing their best. they aren't stupid players but if they were in TS they would be 10 times better, and it's them sort of people who I would like to pickup and say "come into TS" because you're playing the right way - playing the objectives etc. They're playing on their own, their own way but you haven't got a clue what is going on - if you were in TS you would be so much better. Those people I would love to have in our clan! I see these people all the time, but they probably speak Latvian and not a word of English! Or they're 12 years old and you have to say "f##k off"! It's those ones without a home who play the game the way its supposed to be played.

Lazzy: Do you think everyone should have a clan - should there be a clan for everybody?

Turd: No - those f##king cheeses out there should f##k off and die a horrible death on their own to be honest with you! "Oooh - look at me, I'm gunna get a load of kills but I won't defuse or protect a bomb - I'm just gunna run around and kill people - f##k everybody else!" Those ones I don't give a sh#t about, but those who play the objective to be best of their ability - any of those who aren't in a clan, i would f##cking well have them here!

Lazzy: That's beautiful man!

Turd: As long as they're over 18 and English speaking - no problem! blonde, good looking...

Lazzy: They're all bonuses!

Turd: Is it going Ok at the moment? I just wanna know - is my voice OK or are you typing it? Do I sound like a Mancunian, I dont wanna sound like a Mancunian! I'd like to sound more like royalty.... if that's possible!

Lazzy: I think you're a bit f##ked on that front!

Turd: No Way!!! Look - I want it clear on my f##king .... I don't want my swear words on there because you know i don't f##king swear - that's a must! I'm going to get a drink - just pause your recording..


<<<literally five minutes passes...>>

Lazzy: Who are your favourite players outside of G4F?

Turd: I've got a really poor memory. it's funny because I say "who's that" and they say "you've known them for year" - I'm that bad! I've met so many nice people that it's actually remembering who they were! Who I'd like to meet again is Borgqueen - I thought she was really funny!

Lazzy: Tell me about your current PC..

Turd: Crap! I meant to upgrade but because of the economic crisis I've been unable to. The bankers have ripped me off and I'm left with a shite machine that not even a peasant would want!

Lazzy: It runs Battlefield!

Turd: D'ya know those Pi things - nah, not those, you know those PC's for India - if you sent mine over to India they would spit on it! I need an upgrade - I want one but I can't have one, I can't afford one!

Lazzy: When you're not gaming, which is a fair amount of the time, what do you like to do for fun?

Turd: Usually be irresponsibly drunk..

Lazzy: You like to boogey!

Turd: If anyone has seen me - I definitely like to boogey! I was at a family party last weekend on the dance floor with my cousin and she walked off the floor and said "you like to wiggle too much"! I don't know what that meant but thought my dancing was appropriate! Two other big things that I absolutely love is music and films. i spent more time on them two things. I do try and cut the beer out these days but not too much!

Turd: How long is this going on for - is this longer than Odie's?

Lazzy: Don't compare lengths....

Lazzy: Away from your online life -- what do you do for a living, and do they know about your online persona?

Turd: I'm not going to say what I do, the people there've got no idea about my gaming - no one does, apart from one or two people. It's because I'm very very private. Work and me do not get on - I am separate from work, it's just a means to earn money. Apart from that, it means nothing to me!

Lazzy: and how about your family?

Turd: As you know, my family is very close to me and, you know, they are everything to me. After bringing them up for all these years, I'm looking forward to a little payback..

Lazzy: ..when you start wetting yourself?

Turd: Nah - they are everything, they are something that puts life into perspective.

Lazzy: and what do they think about you gaming?

Turd: The kids have grown up with it in a sense, the missus doesn't like it..

Lazzy: but Lee / Raptor used to play for us..

Turd: Well, he hasn't got a PC at the moment because he's been a very naughty boy - I've stripped down his PC and given away the parts! He actually wants to buy a new PC so I let him have a go on mine today and it was embarrassing how good he was!

Lazzy: Great - we might get him back! (and we have since :op)

Lazzy: Finally, will you give me a pic for this page?


<<<We had spoken about a MUCH MUCH funnier picture, but this offer was withdrawn!!>>